The Day I Chose Life. My Turning Point in Recovery

By Kaylie Klein 

Digging Through Old Pages

Since I’ve been writing, I’ve been going through all of my old journals. 

In that stack, I found the one I had in rehab.

Flipping through it reminded me of the pain I endured… and all of the things I wished for three years ago that I now hold in my hands.

Withdrawals and Sparks

The pages are full of scribbles—raw entries from benzo withdrawals—right up to the moment the spark to live came back.

I went back and forth deciding which one to share first. In the end, I chose the moment I decided I wanted to live.

The Moment

Very rarely do we know when the moment arrives. You know? The one where everything shifts.

I remember sitting with friends, looking around, and realizing: I care if I die now. I actually want to live.

It was shocking, coming from someone who just swallowed a handful of Xanax and drank who-knows-how-much, convinced my kids would be fine without me.

So I grabbed my journal. I knew I had to write it down.

April 6, 2022

I am sitting in the orange chairs with Kaila and Kirsten, chewing some watermelon gum from Carlos. It is almost sunset. I am enjoying the wind, I just took a shower. My hair is damp. We are watching friends play volleyball and the birds are chirping. I just got off the phone with the kiddos.

Don’t forget this moment. The wind. How you feel. Today is the first day I am 100% sober. Today is the start of my new life. No matter if withdrawals happen again tomorrow.

Today, I got to where so many addicts and alcoholics wish they could get. Today, I choose to be grateful and true to myself, find the happiness and joy in life, and be fully present, no matter what. Today I choose to feel my feelings, but not let them overtake me or control me. I will go through the ups and downs of life, choosing recovery, myself, and my children. Today is good. I feel my Higher Power all around me. I want this.

Promises Kept

Have there been moments since then that nearly broke me? Of course.

But when I read this entry, I remembered her—this girl who wanted so badly to live. My heart aches for her, and at the same time, I’m proud of her. She had no idea she’d keep those promises. But she did.

I ripped this page out of the journal and kept it folded in my bag or in the console of my car. When life gets heavy, I unfold it and remember: this was the day I chose to live.

Your Turn

Mine happened in rehab with watermelon gum and orange chairs.

If you’ve had your own moment—the one you can’t forget—I’d love to hear about it. 

Tell me your story or share in the comments.