How Journaling Led to My Divorce, and it May Help You Too

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I’d attempted journaling so many times and failed, I could’ve
started my own support group or 12 step program. But, it was after
reading The 5 A.M Club by Robin Sharma that I decided to get up at
5 am everyday, exercise for 20 minutes, journal for 20 minutes and
then pray for 20 minutes. In 60 minutes I’d have some core things
that were important to me checked off my list for the day.

And so, I began journaling routinely. I was faithful to all 3 routines
for well over a month. Then I got sick or life changed somehow,
and I dropped the exercise at 5 am. I still tried to get it in; it just
wasn’t first thing in the morning. Truthfully, I’m also not an
early-morning exerciser. I’m more the “get a cup of coffee and
watch the morning dew on the grass” kind of gal. But journaling —
now that was another story.

My entries mostly focused on my dreams, how I failed, how I
wished to be better at most things in my life. I look back now and
see how I wasn’t really journaling all the “things’. There were

glimpses here and there, but I wasn’t truly aware of what was going
on inside me. I spoke of my fatigue — I must exercise more, or how
crappy I felt —I must eat better — or how I was sad or “down’”— I
just needed to think more positively, read more scripture, trust
God more. It was like a low-hanging fog that hovers just a few feet
above the ground, wrapping itself around the trees as though the
trees were secrets the morning mist refused to let go. There were
secrets deep inside I really didn’t want to let go of...not yet.

But then they started: an entry here and there that told a deeper
story of pain locked deep within. There was guilt associated with
writing those first entries: stories of manipulation, ever so covert.
Emotional manipulations laden with guilt enough to keep me
compliant — from my husband. But I felt guilty writing them out,
bringing them to life on the blank pages like color to a picture that
brings depth, reveals things that weren’t there in just the black and
white. So, I usually wove in how I needed to change, how I could be
better and prayers for him. None of that bad, but I wasn’t being
honest with myself then.

Over time, the more truth bearing entries became more frequent.
We had been in counseling for a few months at that point. It was

about 3 months in when the counselor said, “Stop abusing your
wife, lower case a!” I was stunned. But he had said it out loud. Now
the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

My husband had been locked in on a certain topic — something he
disagreed with regarding how I handled it. I had brought up the
issue as an example of how our wounded parts influence our
reactions today. It was meant as an encouragement. My husband
went off. He would not let go of the issue despite multiple
attempts by the counselor to redirect. He ranted for close to 45
minutes when the counselor finally interjected the comment about
abusing me with his words.

Still, my husband fought, demanding we talk about the issue he
believed I hadn’t handled well (it was about our 2 1/2 year old
granddaughter asking me a question in church, which he thought
was not asked quietly enough and possibly irritated those around
us). As uncomfortable as it was, I was glad the counselor was
present, at least via Zoom. I felt seen. His words had utterly
shocked me regarding abuse.

The counselor asked my husband how many times he got this
angry. “Five or six times a year”, came the reply. The counselor

asked me how many times I felt it happened. “Almost daily”, came
my reply.

This was the beginning for me — really having my eyes opened. I
wanted to close them, shove the whole event and admission back
into the box it had previously been safely enclosed in. My husband
cried, especially at the fact he couldn’t see what he’d been doing.
He said he was sorry and promised to change. I forgave him
immediately and felt like we’d maybe made some headway in our
marriage counseling.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Over the following months, the rage continued. We thought maybe
he had some Asperger traits (which is now more commonly called
“on the spectrum”). I was almost elated to think there was a reason
that could explain why he was so rigid, unable to let go of an issue
and become rageful. I begged him to get evaluated so we could
learn coping strategies. He didn’t want a label and so we continued
in counseling — and I kept on journaling. (Of note, about a year
later he was evaluated by a specialist as part of the process we
attempted for reconciliation. It was determined he did not have
Aspergers).

I could go on with my story, but I won’t. Not here. But I kept on
writing in my journal almost every day. I rarely missed a day.
Slowly, the thoughts and feelings and truths started coming out.
Six months in and nothing had changed — except my
understanding of what was happening. It was like a dimmer switch
ever so slowly being turned up, things seen more clearly.

One year in and things were worse, not better. The counselor had
decided a few months earlier that marriage counseling was really
not what we needed — not with the power and abuse dynamics
present. We both began seeing him separately. The more he
challenged my husband, the more my husband got irritated.

There were times where he seemed to have a breakthrough. Tears
would be shed, apologies offered, forgiveness offered in return. All
the while, the rage was always lurking just beneath the surface. But
it was always my faithful journal there, capturing the unspeakable
on its pages.

I came to crave the time with my journal. The foggier my thinking
became ( a sign of abuse), the more the journal helped me capture
the truth when I could remember. I would forget entire
conversations. My journal was there as a faithful friend with the

truth for the times I could remember. Always ready to share her
truth when I would go back and read entries, even if it hurt and I
didn’t want to see it.

What I didn’t recognize were the signs of abuse. Could a heavy sigh
and silent treatment really be a form of abuse? Not always, but
when it’s used to manipulate someone into doing something they
want — yes.

When there was the attempt at convincing me that any harm was
unintentional — or even that it didn’t occur — it was disorienting. It
made me question my judgement. Actually, I would many times
end up apologizing for even thinking he may have meant to harm
me — never physically, only emotionally and psychologically.

But what I was coming to learn about abuse is that..

repressed underlying anger is frequently used as a tool to
intimidate, control and manipulate and get you to conform.
Anger isn’t always expressed with yelling or physical abuse. It
can be communicated through gestures such as facial
expressions. Our nervous systems are so sensitive that, used
regularly over a period of time, a climate of fear is generated,

and the victim doesn’t have to see an overt display of anger for
the autonomic nervous system to react.

(Modified excerpts from the following authors...Darlene Lancer
JD, MFT & George Simon, JR, Ph.D)

My eyes were being opened and my pen was telling a story. It was
finally spilling out onto the pages of my journal — one horrifying
page at a time.

Wasn’t this the most amazing man? The most amazing marriage?
I’d always believed so. He’d always told me how much he loved me,
how amazing I was, how I was his best friend etc.

There was — what I was beginning to understand, a cognitive
dissonance. These were reasons my body was slowly breaking
down. Why I felt I was aging so fast. Why I found myself so “down”
despite pulling it all together and showing a very different picture
to the outside world.

After 2 1/2 years of counseling — we separated. The rage had
become worse and much more frequent in its intensity. I was
usually blamed. A few months prior, my counselor had suggested I

make a safety plan. That shocked me! But, he was right. I never
needed to use it. Thankfully, my husband left of his own volition on
that fateful day in September. One of us was leaving — that was my
thought during that crazy-making argument.

I’ll also mention he had stopped seeing our counselor — stating he
was being abusive to my husband, when he was simply confronting
his behavior towards me. My husband began seeing a very
competent trauma counselor, a professor at a seminary. I’d done
EMDR therapy with him with great results. My husband had begun
to see him and eventually insisted he was the only counselor he’d
see for marriage counseling. I reluctantly agreed. It was a horrible
decision. This person was not aware of the more subtle forms of
abuse. Eventually, I told him I could no longer continue with
marriage counseling because three times he’d witnessed verbal
abuse, gaslighting and manipulations during a session and said
nothing.

Despite continued counseling, he with this trauma counselor and
me with my counselor who was well versed in abuse dynamics —
our marriage continued to falter.

Our pastor had been involved at one point in a reconciliation
attempt. My husband refused to follow the plan lined out for us by
the two counselors and our pastor. He decided to come up with his
own, which entailed me moving back in and we working on our
marriage. My nervous system went on high alert. I couldn’t do it.
His counselor also seemed to think it was the way forward, despite
continued signs of abuse during our times together.

Still, my journal filled up every day. Days where I thought we were
making progress — tales of dinners out, walks together,
conversations about our parents and what was going on in each of
our lives. Many of these were also punctuated by more emotional
abuse: gaslighting, denying my reality.

Every detail got put into my journal. Though there were
conversations I couldn’t even recount the following day. They were
a blur sometimes. I could only recount how I felt — horrible, small,
minimized, unheard, broken.

But I kept on writing.

In the end it wasn’t just my journal that led to my divorce. It was
the growth through my counseling and the peace I experienced

being alone. It was the realization that I had really great, healthy
relationships with friends and family — and not one of them left
me feeling the way I did after some of the treatment from my
husband.

It’s not been all roses and sunshine. There’s been really hard things
I’ve had to do. Last year, the word I chose as my annual word to
embrace was Brave. And embrace it I believe I did.

So many realizations about myself, my life and my marriage I
needed to face and make changes. And yet, I’m finding purpose in
what is happening through all of it.

I desperately want to educate people, especially women on the
more covert forms of abuse.

So, if you can’t figure out why you’re feeling down or “off”, if you
keep trying to do things differently or be different so he’ll be happy
or treat you better — please know things aren’t always your fault.

If you find yourself walking around on eggshells, monitoring your
words and still getting it wrong — it’s not you.

If you find yourself feeling crazy because he insists something was
or wasn’t said and you don’t remember it that way — there’s a good
chance you’re not wrong.

My now ex-husband told me he was worried about my mind and
memory. I was ready to get assessed for early onset dementia —
that’s how bad it was. Come to find out, it was not me. It was him
gaslighting me. It was so subtle — and also so damaging.

I’m on a mission to educate others about abuse (sometimes called
intimate partner violence), shedding light on this difficult topic.

Just know it’s not always black eyes, bruises and broken bones.
Sometimes it’s weary, tired and broken souls.

Please feel free to DM me if you have questions. Soon, I’ll be
dropping some info to help you determine if what you’re
experiencing may be abuse of some sort.

Education is important. It’s just knowledge. It can be scary to come
to the realization things aren’t what you thought. You don’t just
wake up one day, determine things aren’t great and know exactly
what to do. Not if you’ve been emotionally abused.

I encourage you to journal. You might be surprised at what you
learn.

Resources that helped me:

Books:
1. Emotionally Destructive Relationships by Leslie Vernick.
2. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
3. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
4. Beyond Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend
5. Lifesaving Divorce: Hope for people leaving destructive
relationships by Gretchen Baskerville
6. Forgiveness After Trauma by Susannah Griffith

Podcasts and YouTube:
1. Anything by Dr. Ramani (Narcissistic abuse)
2. Jimmy on Relationships (YouTube)
3. Darren F Magee (YouTube)
4. Relationship Truth Unfiltered (Leslie Vernick podcast - Christian
perspective)
5. Flying Free (Natalie Hoffman podcast - Christian perspective)
6. The Thais Gibson podcast (attachment styles)

Tips:
1. Journal every day: capture conversations, your feelings even if
you don’t know what the exact source is.

2. Pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you.

3. Have at least one friend you trust not to gossip to share what’s
really going on in your relationship that feels off.

4. Find a professional like a counselor that is TRAINED in trauma,
not just someone that understands it.

5. Recognize that reconciliation doesn’t equate to restoration.

6. If you feel in danger... ever, make a safety plan (there are many
resources online): put a second set of keys where you can
quickly grab them and get out the door, put a few day’s clothes
and toiletries in a bag in your car or at a friend’s house, or
somewhere discreet you can grab and run. Have a safe word
with a trusted friend that means you need immediate help. Have
somewhere determined ahead of time to go, if even for a few
days. Know how to turn off all tracking on your devices. Make
copies of all legal documents. You may never need them, but if
you do, you have them.

7. If you don’t have access to all bank accounts, investment
accounts etc., there’s a good chance you’re being financially
abused.

8. Become acquainted with the Power and Control Wheel:
https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/

9. Abuse is not just towards women, men suffer as well.

10. Abuse can be present in any relationship: parent/child,
spousal, friendship, dating, same sex relationships,
employer/employee.

10. Educate yourself.