A Conversation Between Me & Self-Worth

The Day I Asked My Self-Worth to Come Back

ME = ME

SW = Self-Worth 

ME: Hello, are you there? Hello? I am looking for you and I have not heard from you in a long time.

SW: Hello, I am here. It’s just hard to hear me is all! 

ME: Do you think you can speak up a little more so I can hear you? Can you acknowledge you are there? 

SW: I can try, but again you may struggle to hear me.  

ME: I can understand that. It can be difficult for me to speak up as well. It was easier to do so when you were around more. I didn’t realize how much I rely on you.

SW: I’m sorry, I try so hard at times, but I am buried below these other layers that I struggle to find my way up. I want to be there for you, but I don’t know how. Showing up these past few years isn’t easy like it used to be.

ME: Seems like you have aged.  I remember what you looked like before. You were glowing, vibrant, confident and you seemed to have it all figured out. What happened? Where did you go for so long? 

SW: Yes, of course I have aged! The amount of stress that I have been going through added more years in here than out there. It’s not like you can jab me with Botox to keep me looking ageless.

Also, I remember what you looked like as well. You could own any space and grab the attention of most that surrounded you. You had this infectious personality that lightened up some of the worst of moods. You left people intrigued and wanting to learn more.
So, I ask, what happened to you? Where did you go? 

ME: I would prefer you answer the question first. Since I am the one who has been searching for you and diving deep to find you again. I have had questions and I’ve been searching for answers that can only come from you.  

SW: Ok, that’s fair. Well to be honest, it’s been a struggle for a long time my friend.
I thought it would do us both some good if I left you alone for a bit so you can try to figure things out for yourself. 

I will say, it seemed like you didn’t want me or need me anymore.

ME: How so? What type of person doesn’t need their self-worth?

SW: Well first off you let people speak down to you.
You kept allowing hurtful things that were said to you affect us.
I would hear people say things to you like “you don’t make enough of this”, “you aren’t enough of that”, “you act like people know who you are” or “you don’t contribute enough.” Even more hurtful is to tell you the things you love to do that bring you joy, “are just hobbies.”

ME: Yeah, but those things said were just words, they didn’t mean anything.

SW: I must correct you because those “things” lessened who I was, especially over all these years of listening to the negative words’ others would say.  

I don’t think you realized, but you started to believe those things and since you allowed those things to settle inside, I thought you didn’t need me anymore.

So, I buried myself because you seemed too busy to give me the loving, nurturing and caring attention I needed. You stopped loving me.  

Do you know how many times I have cried b/c of you and for you? 

I used to try and shake you to WAKE UP and not to fall into this trance. 

Stop listening to what is being said, snap out of it.
Please don’t internalize this, but you did, and you left me here alone. 

I used to love to shine for you! 

I used to love watching you walk into a room with your glow and your head held high like you we were unstoppable.  

ME: Gosh, self-worth… I’m so sorry I let you slip away. Those were never my intentions. I let the heavy weight of others’ words cut too deep, and piece by piece, they chipped away at the best version of me. I guess I didn’t see how far I’d drifted from you until you were gone.

For leaving you alone in that silence, I am truly sorry.

You are right, I have internalized so much toxic crap and beliefs that I forgot who I was, who you were. I forgot the importance of us both, but especially you.

How could you think I did not want or need you? 

Of course I do, you help me feel like I am on top of the world. 

You give me the strength I need to get through some dark and hard times. 

You are also the one I love celebrating the proud moments with the most, well you and self - confidence of course. 

How can I get you back SW? What will it take because I am tired of being here without you?
I am tired of not being the best version of myself and I know that’s because I don’t have you.

I miss how we smiled together and genuinely meant it.
I miss being valued together. 

I miss how we held one another through the good and bad. 

I miss how we used to brush off things that didn’t matter.  

I miss how we supported each other through love and loss. 

Please take me back. I am really trying now. 

I am really working on turning past and present pain into purpose, positivity and power! 

Have you noticed at all? 

SW: Well, thank you for acknowledging this.
Thank you for accepting your responsibility in all of this.
Most importantly thank you for ringing me to have this conversation. 

I was wondering if you were going to. 

I’ve been trying to send you subtle hints and clues to let you know that I am still here and I miss you too. 

I’ve been frigging bored! Honestly, I have been exhausted from feeling so down! 

And DUH girl, I absolutely have noticed the work you have been putting in lately. 

I am proud of you for starting this new journey.

I am so proud of you for putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and real. 

For sharing things so intimate with strangers. 

I knew you still had this in you. This fire, this passion, this ability to rise to the occasion again! 

Of course you can have me back! 

You have put forth the effort to bounce back and bring me with you. 

This is what I wanted all this time. I wanted you to want me back.

I have always been here for you, and I will always be here for you as there is no me without you.

ME: Thank you for waiting this out with me. 

From the bottom, top and middle of my heart I am so grateful for you and your patience while I work through so many things over these years that have paralyzed me in ways I didn’t recognize. 

So, can we hug this one out and keep an open flow of communication going so we don’t lose each other again? 

SW: Agreed! 

ME: I love you SW. 

SW: I love you Me. 

I wrote this in a dialogue form because I felt this conversation in my heart and in my head. No, I am not going crazy, but I finally checked in with myself to see where things turned south for me.

When did I give up loving me, being gracious to me and forgiving me.

I asked myself why I allow external negativity to define who I am. It’s bullshit!

I can spin this one of two ways, either I sit here and continue to feel sorry for myself and dislike the person I see in the mirror (I sometimes like to avoid the mirror on the daily) or I figure out what external sources I have that allow me to tap into a positive space at no financial cost!

I told myself, “Well if it doesn’t cost any money then there really is no reason you have to not listen to an influential podcast on Free Spotify or get a library card and read a positive story” and that is exactly what I did. I actually made a vision board at the library as well (each to their own as it works for me.)

I told myself that I no longer want to live in this “why me” victim space.
That I am wasting time in that space.

It was these little steps that I took that led me to this path of creating something that is truly meaningful to me and that has given me great purpose and that is my Let’s Get Unstuck blog.   

CTA

• Check in with your self-worth and have a forgiving conversation. 

• Ask yourself the question I asked myself (in other words) “if it’s free to feel good, then what am I waiting for?”

• Take one step to doing something different today. Pull up that podcast that resonates with you. I share many of these on my blog. Here is my favorite one Finding Purpose w/Mel Robbins & Jay Shetty